Anxious, Autistic, Drunk

My family has a history of alcoholism. I’ve never known a life without the smell of beer or the sound of slurring – even before I knew what slurring was. When I was younger, I never wanted to drink. I never saw the appeal, never understood why anyone would want to. When I got to university, I started to really crumble under the neurotypical mask, and I started to drink. It was an excuse to act more autistic and then blame it on the drink. Stim, blame it on the drink. Stumble, blame it on the drink. The numbing of the sounds and lights were so needed back then, back when I had spent years overstimulated 99 percent of the time. The anxious thoughts would quiet, a little bit, for some time.

I stopped drinking after university. I barely ever drink anymore. Except tonight. When it all gets too much, and the options are to look the fucked up stuff in the face or drink vodka…. and blame my meltdown on a bit too much alcohol.

Published by Taryn Jaye

Autistic. Writer, advocate, and future therapist. Yes, I support individuals with high-support needs.

One thought on “Anxious, Autistic, Drunk

  1. It’s interesting that your drinking gave you ‘permission’ to be ND. I was a drunk for almost 2 decades. While it wasn’t intentional, the allure of drinking was it masked my undiagnosed Tourette Syndrome and OCD. I only really felt good when I was buzzed. Thankfully I have medicines for that stuff now. I wish you peace.

    Liked by 1 person

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